Saturday 26 September 2015

D-Day Looms

I'm starting chemotherapy on Monday 28th September. That's in two days time.

I'm ridiculously nervous as you can imagine. It's weird I know I'm not going to be up for doing much for the next six months so I've been trying to fit in loads of fun stuff this week. Topshop treats, posh lunches, meals and drinks out. Lots of drinks out actually. To be fair this weeks been ace. (check the photo above) But now there's only two days to go and I'm running out of time and feeling pretty rubbish about it all.

Last night we went out for drinks with some of my work mates, which was lovely. However, when I'm in a large group it does make me notice how I deal with cancer. Usually with lots of jokes. Everyone knows I've got cancer and frankly I'm not ashamed about it. Hey you can either laugh or cry about it. I do realise that that can sometimes make people uncomfortable though. People relate cancer with death. No one wants to talk about death. Especially not on a Friday night.

Last night I had a cotton bud and a plaster on my arm were I had a blood test that morning. (The nurse had drawn a vampire smiley face on the plaster. Cute. So I'd kept it on for the night out) 'What have you done to your arm?' Asks rather rude random guy in the bar. 'Have you got aids? Or Gonorrhoea?' he chuckles.

'No I have cancer'. I said in the abrupt matter of fact kind of way I've become accustomed to saying it in.

I saw the colour drain from his face. As he stuttered and stammered trying to find the right thing to say I was howling with laughter inside. I like to think I'm a nice person generally. I don't like to think that I make my friends feel uncomfortable when I joke about cancer. But twats in bars? Yeah I can say what I want. If that means taking them down a peg or two. Bonus.

Actually theres been a couple of occasions after I was diagnosed that I've used my cancer as an excuse. Morally it's definitely questionable. A couple of weeks after I was diagnosed me and Michele went to our friends house. They were watching music videos on TV. I'm a massive Robbie Williams fan. (Sorry guilty pleasure). I asked them to put a bit of Robbie on. They said no. I said 'But I've got cancer so I should get my own way'. They looked fairly horrified to be fair but they put Robbie Williams greatest hits on TV and it was on all night. 

The other day I even used my cancer to get out of paying a fine on my Debenhams card. It was a £12 late payment fee. 'But I've got breast cancer. I had to have surgery. That's why I couldn't pay my bill on time' I whined in an email. Sure enough the fine was wiped from my account. 

I realise this is all pretty bad and honestly I really am a good person. But when life deals you a bad hand is it really so bad to try and use it to your advantage? There's a Silver lining in everything right? Cancer doesn't automatically turn you in to a Saint either. There's no handbook on how you're meant to deal with cancer day to day and what's morally acceptable. 

Below is an image of me at Pinturas Leeds two days before chemo. See despite what I said above I look like a decent human being don't I?! The tapas and drinks were all lovely and we had a great time. 

Actually do you reckon I could use my cancer to get free tapas and drinks?

Don't encourage me. 


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